I have some pretty good friends. Not large in number but I am actually alright with that. As few as they are I feel like I still cannot keep up. I want to remain close with them but it’s like it has become a bit more challenging than it was during school days. I do not feel like the same me that they knew before and yet I do not feel like explaining this feeling to them. I have no desire to vent like I used to.. venting does nothing anyway. I do not think that they are bad. I think that I am the one who has changed.I am the one drawing further away from them. The truth is that I do not like the me that they knew. She was not strong enough. She was not confident enough. She was not independent enough. She was never enough. I do not know how to introduce them to the me that I want to be. I am sure they have noticed. They are wonderful people. It is me. I do not want to tell them all this. So I write to me instead.
I had an interview today at a fast food restaurant. The interviewer had no idea how much I wanted this job. The past me would never want to work at a fast food place. The embarrassment and the thought of people judging me was always consuming my thoughts. I have A levels. Yet I really wanted this part time job at this fast food place. The extra money would help. My savings are dwindling. Its weird how feelings change when situations change. Maybe I will get it… maybe not.
On relationships with family
I hid from my father today. I didn’t want him to see his daughter with A levels looking for a job at a fast food place, because every time he sees me he asks, “Has anything come up yet?”I don’t want to see his face and how he has aged. The permanent lines on his tired face. The strained smile he still wears regardless of it all. I forgive him now for not attending my graduations. He was probably busy struggling to improve our situation.
My mom made me cry today. I am not sure if I hid it well. I hope she did not notice. It was over the phone and it was another conversation of how I don’t have a job. That I won’t be able to get a visa to come up. ” Has any job called yet?” She is beautiful even with age.
I lied to them. I told them that the contract ended. Really I just wanted to do something I loved. They wouldn’t have understood. They believe in money. Do they believe in me?
My brother is working very hard. I do not know his age. He forgets mine. He is working too hard.”You should try applying to XYZ.” A sister like me who does nothing cannot keep up. I hope he succeeds. He seems to be. The way his gaze seems to grind me to dirt. The way his presence fills me with guilt at my stagnancy. What am I thinking? I doubt he even notices someone else is in the room.
On writing.. an update
I have gotten a few more ideas. I am still on characters but I have also thought of some new additions to the plot. I am afraid to stop planning. I am afraid to start. I am afraid it fails. I am afraid it soars and succeeds because I could have done it years ago.
On this moment.
Why am I writing here? I have a journal. I have typed so much that the next logical step would either be to delete or to publish. I want to delete because it is too personal. I want to publish because ending stagnant living is not as simple as I thought, and these feelings might be part of the journey.(or not)
I listened to a sermon/lesson which said that God does not remove you out of your situation until you are” properly cooked” We cannot move till we are ready to. I suppose that must be it then. Have I not been ready for such a long time?
I listened to another one which said that sometimes like a mother bird tries to push her babies out of the nest, sometimes we get so comfortable in our nest that God is trying to push us out but we… or rather I am not allowing myself to fall, so that I can spread my wings and FLY.
Happening To Me?