Writing Update

10:14 pm

Daily Goal : 1667 words

Words written : 1284 words

Skipped one day but that’s okay, just keep going

Total today: 3056 words

Days Left: 28 days

Thoughts and feelings.  Not sure why but as soon as I decided to write so many things happened. Was disappointed that I missed a day of writing but I will just add a day to my usual and that will happen if ever I miss a day. Today’s word flow was pretty good but words not sure if they made sense. Shouldn’t they make sense at least on day 2?. Did a bit in the morning and the rest in the night. I want to try splitting up the words in case one day I am too tired in the night. Found myself a little side job helping someone during the day so Won’t be able to go on during the day like I had hoped but still quite fun. Feel energized after  work out. Since I am sleep typing and can barely spell if not for spell check Goodnight!  Have a blessed tomorrow.

Living In Today🐦

We all know this. It’s like one of those things that we forget while we’re busy worrying about tomorrow . It happens to me all the time but it seems to be one of those human things so I must be normal. Lately more and more I have been in my head day dreaming about  my future , one better than today. Dreaming about where I want to be and who I want to be, someone better than the me today. Though these dreams are wonderful and give me a little smile of pleasure, the me now can’t help but feel a bit offended. I realized I was overly worrying once again.

So yet again I was brought back into the present, down from my dream cloud and with a grateful perspective I saw the me today. In that moment I was doing a yoga practice and I tried to feel my back when It stretched or my hips when it opened. I tried to be patient when the instructor said to just breathe and not let my mind wonder to tens of thousand different things. It was a relief, a much needed break for my active dream machine, to stop for a second and live in today.

Most of the times we don’t realize when we have stopped living in the present. Worrying is like a habit ingrained so firmly that it feels like the phrase “Time flies when you’re having fun” but instead, time flies when you’re worrying. In the worst way time flies because we take with us only the negative as we’ve worried so much that we never knew the positive.

I do not know if it is possible to remove worrying as if it were part of a “removing bad habit challenge” but I do know that sometimes when I notice how stuck I was in that moment of Living in the future, What usually brings me back is the appreciation of today. At first you may even feel a bit surprised because you haven’t appreciated enough and for such a long time. Look how healthy, how alive you are. How beautiful and worthwhile.

Gentle reminder if you are in a season of worry right now.Bring it in. It’s a new day we have been given. Tomorrow won’t come if you don’t have yourself today. I want to remind myself  of this. I need me today. Today is necessary. Tomorrow starts today. It’s going to be an amazingly wonderful day and I want to be present in it.

🐦

 

 

She Said She Would, So She Did|| It has begun

10:31 PM 27/03/2016

I didn’t mean to begin writing today but I was afraid that I was taking too long to plan. I didn’t want to be using the I am planning thing as some kind of reason to not start to write. I feel like I just wrote a bunch of crap too but it’s weird. I am surprised I actually reached the word goal. I am hoping I can continue tomorrow. In fact I must but I must also continue to plan. I was tempted to delete a lot during the process but I tried to remember to just keep going, just let it flow. Even though this does not turn into anything. This will always be practice, will only benefit me in the end. At least I hope so.

Day 1 Goal : 1667 words

Words Written: 1772

Feeling:sleepy, but sorta kinda proud,  anxious,  scared

Days Left: 29

Philippians 4:6-7New International Version (NIV)

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

 

Something to pick me up.

What is This Season?

On friends
I have some pretty good friends. Not large in number but I am actually alright with that. As few as they are I feel like I still cannot keep up. I want to remain close with them but it’s like it has become a bit more challenging than it was during school days. I do not feel like the same me that they knew before and yet I do not feel like explaining this feeling to them. I have no desire to vent like I used to.. venting does nothing anyway. I do not think that they are bad. I think that I am the one who has changed.I am the one drawing further away from them. The truth is that I do not like the me that they knew. She was not strong enough. She was not confident enough. She was not independent enough. She was never enough. I do not know how to introduce them to the me that I want to be. I am sure they have noticed. They are wonderful people. It is me. I do not want to tell them all this. So I write to me instead.

On employment
I had an interview today at a fast food restaurant. The interviewer had no idea how much I wanted this job. The past me would never want to work at a fast food place. The embarrassment and the thought of people judging me was always consuming my thoughts. I have A levels. Yet I really wanted this part time job at this fast food place. The extra money would help. My savings are dwindling. Its weird how feelings change when situations change. Maybe I will get it… maybe not.

On relationships with family
I hid from my father today. I didn’t want him to see his daughter with A levels looking for a job at a fast food place, because every time he sees me he asks, “Has anything come up yet?”I don’t want to see his face and how he has aged. The permanent lines on his tired face. The strained smile he still wears regardless of it all. I forgive him now for not attending my graduations. He was probably busy struggling to improve our situation.

My mom made me cry today. I am not sure if I hid it well. I hope she did not notice. It was over the phone and it was another conversation of how I don’t have a job. That I won’t be able to get a visa to come up. ” Has any job called yet?” She is beautiful even with age.

I lied to them. I told them that the contract ended. Really I just wanted to do something I loved. They wouldn’t have understood. They believe in money. Do they believe in me?

My brother is working very hard. I do not know his age. He forgets mine. He is working too hard.”You should try applying to XYZ.” A sister like me who does nothing cannot keep up. I hope he succeeds. He seems to be. The way his gaze seems to grind me to dirt. The way his presence fills me with guilt at my stagnancy. What am I thinking? I doubt he even notices someone else is in the room.

On writing.. an update
I have gotten a few more ideas. I am still on characters but I have also thought of some new additions to the plot. I am afraid to stop planning. I am afraid to start. I am afraid it fails. I am afraid it soars and succeeds because I could have done it years ago.

On this moment.
Why am I writing here? I have a journal. I have typed so much that the next logical step would either be to delete or to publish. I want to delete because it is too personal. I want to publish because ending stagnant living is not as simple as I thought, and these feelings might be part of the journey.(or not)

On God

I listened to a sermon/lesson which said that God does not remove you out  of your situation until you are” properly cooked”  We cannot move till we are ready to. I suppose that must be it then. Have I not been ready for such a long time?

I listened to another one which said that sometimes like a mother bird tries to push her babies out of the nest, sometimes we get so comfortable in our nest that God is trying to push us out but we… or rather I am not allowing myself to fall, so that I can spread my wings and FLY.

Is

     This

       What Is

                        Happening To Me?

 

 

“I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. If you do not remain in me, you are like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.

John 15(NIV)

She Said She Would, So She Did|| Character Sketches

Ever heard of NaNoWrimo? I have attempted twice and never passed two weeks.  Here I am again though.. because I feel like I have wanted to write for so long that it never stops nagging me. I can never just let this dream die because it’s so strongly embedded into my heart. I am going to try again. Not NaNoWrimo but the concept of it. Their word count is 1667 per day for 30 days. I hesitate to do this because I have failed twice and so near the beginning. I feel like I will be a laughing stock if I post this and stop soon after. Regardless, I want to try again before NaNoWrimo comes . I feel like it’s something I need to do so that I can live knowing I CAN.

I have been “day dream “planning for a few months now about this one idea I had. Yet last night after a call from my mom… I hit the actual written planning immediately. I had just told her that I was getting my period and she said “I think I’m finally done with that now.”

I haven’t seen her since, maybe about 6 years old? I try not to keep count. Now ..she is going through Menopause?  It made me hate time, but more so, hate myself for constantly wasting it. Life has been begging me to improve my skills for years and now it’s so late in the game. I have no income and opportunities are still loading because I am here not doing anything to bring them to me.

Anyway, I am not sure how long planning is supposed to last but I have started and hope to finish during this long Easter Holiday we have here.

This is the template I am using for my character designs , just one I found on Pinterest. My writing experience? I graduated from Pinterest. I did do literature in community college but… hopefully some of that stayed in me somewhere.

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No matter how it turns out, I want to know I can. I want to do what I say I will do. I want to open a door that will  lead me straight to the arms of my mother who I don’t even know what she smells like, or the taste of her cooking.

She said she would, and so she did.

A quote I found wile scrolling endlessly on Instagram.Unamused Face on Google Android 6.0.1